Halloween Jokes

Primarily for Dads to elicit groans from their children (from BuzzFeed):

1. Why are graveyards so noisy?  Because of all the coffin'
2. Why did the vampire subscribe to the New York Times?  He heard it had great circulation
3. Why didn’t the mummy have any friends?  He was too wrapped up in himself.
4. What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? An ameboo
5. What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist? He was repossessed
6. What do Italians eat on Halloween? Fettuccine A-fraid-o
7. Why can’t male ghosts have babies? Because they have hollow weenies
8. What did the corpse’s mom do when she got mad at him? She grounded him
9. What happened to the cannibal who was late to dinner? They gave him the cold shoulder
10. Why did Dracula get thrown out of the haunted house? He was a pain in the neck
11. Why are demons and ghouls always together? Because Demons are a Ghoul's Best Friend (sing it, you'll get it)
12. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick-or-treating? They don't have any body to go out with
13. What do birds give out on Halloween night? Tweets
14. Where do movie stars go on Halloween? Maliboo!
15. What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A Stake Sandwich
16. Who does a mummy take on a date? Any old girl he can dig up
17. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling
18. Frankenstein and Dracula had a fight. Who won? Frankenstein - because Dracula sucks
19. Why did the headless horseman start a business? He wanted to get a head in life
20. Who are some of the werewolves’ cousins? The What-Wolves and the When-Wolves
21. What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash

Off to Another Conference!

The Brave Astronaut Clan is on the road for another professional meeting.  LBA and and SoBA are along for the ride - but they're really here for the baseball portions of the trip (Cooperstown, a Rochester Red Wings game on Saturday, and maybe a stop at the Little League Museum on the way home).

The Spring 2014 MARAC Meeting is being held in Rochester, NY this week.  There is a full slate of activities, sessions, and events for my friends and colleagues to do for the next few days.  BuzzFeed posted a while back on the "Awful Stages of Attending a Conference."  Hopefully our meetings aren't like this.

1. You have to wake up at a stupidly early hour because the event starts at 8.30 ON THE DOT.  Even though half the delegates arrive late and no conference in the history of human evolution has ever started or ended on time.  (For years, we have been toying with our schedule to try and get some events moved to different parts of the day from first thing in the morning - but someone is always going to get screwed.) 
2. Conferences usually take place in the basement of musty old hotels, where there’s no phone reception. (This is becoming less of a problem as hotels join the 21st Century and provide free wi-fi - so you can keep playing that game of Words With Friends or Candy Crush.) 
3. You’re supposed to be networking and exchanging business cards, but it’s too early and you find it endlessly awkward peering at people’s name badges to see who they are. (As the President of the organization, I meet a lot of the conferees and I'm ashamed to admit that I have stolen more than a few glances at name badges when people come up to me.) You're supposed to be networking and exchanging business cards, but it's too early and you find it endlessly awkward peering at people's name badges to see who they are.
4. And when you do see someone you know, you can’t remember their name so avoid making eye contact. (I know someone in the profession that when engaged in a conversation with him - he would constantly be looking past you for someone else to talk to.) 
5. There may be an exhibition area where sponsors can tell you all about their wonderful products. They may have hired a DJ. (In my memory, there's never been a DJ - but we get some good swag from our exhibitors - and there's often candy - something that LBA and SoBA will root out very quickly this week.) 
6. Then the conference itself starts. There are some great speakers… and some not so great ones. (As a profession, we are not the most dynamic speakers - but we do OK.)  
7. If you're a journalist covering a conference, you're often reduced to searching for laptop battery power. (We don't get a lot of journalists covering our meetings.) 
8. Lunchtime! Now you have to try to eat and chat while holding a plate and cutlery and and a drink. Good luck. Bonus observation: What’s with those metal food heaters you get at conferences? Where do they come from? (We have pretty good luncheons - I used to avoid them unless the topic really grabbed me - but now as President, I'm there.) 
9. You are praying there are cakes. Please let there be cakes. You are praying there are cakes. (We have pretty good breaks - and at this conference there is reported to be ice cream!) 
10. After lunch is when you have to ward off that sleepy feeling. (Yeah, I try not to go to sessions in the afternoon - I don't want my snoring to disturb the presenters.)
11. It wouldn’t be so bad if conferences weren’t so expensive. It will cost you $6,000 to attend the TED event in Rio this year. (Well MARAC is still pretty affordable - and most of the time - our employers will help with the costs.)
12. And when it’s all over? There’s a free bar. Which you make full use of. (MARAC's Hospitality Suite "After-Parties" are legendary in the organization.) 

Special Shepherd's Pie

Mrs. BA is out tonight - she's delivering LBA and SoBA to my MIL for their "Spring Break."  They'll be back later this week.

The Brave Astronaut Clan had a lovely Easter Sunday yesterday - we had lamb, an outstanding potato gratin, grilled asparagus, and a great cake, prepared by Mrs. BA.  I tell you what, my wife can bake.

So with Mrs. BA out of the house, I headed home and made myself a little shepherd's pie for dinner tonight.
[Full Disclosure - I had every intention of making shepherd's pie - but my neighbors fed me instead.  And gave me beer.  And wine.  This after they loaned me their car for the day.  My neighbors rock, by the way!]


Not this one though -

"Sweet Shepherd's Pie"

But this one.

Easy Shepherd’s Pie
Prep time: 10 minutes
Cook time: 50 minutes

Ingredients 

• 1 1/2 lbs ground round beef 
• 1 onion chopped 
• 1-2 cups vegetables - chopped carrots, corn, peas 
• 1 1/2 - 2 lbs potatoes (3 big ones) 
• 8 tablespoons butter (1 stick) 
• 1/2 cup beef broth 
• 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce 
• Salt, pepper, other seasonings of choice 

Method

1. Peel and quarter potatoes, boil in salted water until tender (about 20 minutes). 
2. While the potatoes are cooking, melt 4 Tablespoons butter (1/2 a stick) in large frying pan. 
3. Sauté onions in butter until tender over medium heat (10 mins). If you are adding vegetables, add them according to cooking time. Put any carrots in with the onions. Add corn or peas either at the end of the cooking of the onions, or after the meat has initially cooked. 
4. Add ground beef and sauté until no longer pink. Add salt and pepper. Add Worcestershire sauce. Add half a cup of beef broth and cook, uncovered, over low heat for 10 minutes, adding more beef broth as necessary to keep moist. 
5. Mash potatoes in bowl with remainder of butter, season to taste. 
6. Place beef and onions in baking dish. Distribute mashed potatoes on top. Rough up with a fork so that there are peaks that will brown nicely. You can use the fork to make some designs in the potatoes as well. 
7. Cook in 400 degree oven until bubbling and brown (about 30 minutes). Broil for last few minutes if necessary to brown. 

Yield: Serves four.
From Simple Recipes

What's Next?

So I didn't win the MegaMillions Jackpot.  My tickets were not even close.  However, in looking them over, I noticed in the fine print on the back of the ticket there was a clause that read, "if the winning MegaMillions ticket is purchased in the state in which you live, the holder of this ticket shall be awarded a percentage of the winnings."

As soon as the winner of the jackpot comes forward, of course, the IRS will come forward for their share.  But then, evidently the Comptroller of Maryland will also secure funds for those who hold tickets, provided they come forward today.

Evidently this offer only applies to Jackpots that occur at the end of March and the beginning of April.

A Call to Serve

I have always enjoyed politics. I have run for elected office in several of the professional organizations to which I belong, and last spring, I ran for a seat on the Town Council. My father always tells me that I would make a really good politician.

Frequent readers may have noticed that I have been sporadically posting here and have renewed my efforts to try and post more here. This a partial explanation for today's post. One of the reasons I have not been posting here is that I have been busy with a lot of other stuff.

I was approached by the New York State Democratic Party to see if I would consider a run for the governorship of the Empire State. As you may know, the incumbent governor of New York has had his share of problems and will not be running for a term of his own. The current Attorney General of New York, Andrew Cuomo, is expected to announce that he will seek the office of Governor of New York.

However, the party has decided to look elsewhere for a fresh, new face. When I lived in New York, one of the positions I held was working at the Rockefeller Archive Center, processing the papers of Nelson A. Rockefeller, Governor of New York from 1958-1973. The party came to me and asked me what it would take to embark on this fool's errand.

I informed them that I would certainly need to move back to New York and establish residency. Not a problem, they said, for as an alumni of the State University of Albany, they would set aside a full floor in one of the dorm towers for me to live with my family.

Further, I explained that I had no war chest of funds to mount a serious challenge for AG Cuomo, who had better name recognition and the added advantage of his father's name and record to run on. Evidently when questioned about this, AG Cuomo agreed that I would make the better candidate in the current political climate and he would agree to run with me as my Lt. Governor.

I decided that I could put them off no longer. So, today, on this First Day of April, I am pleased to announce my candidacy for Governor of New York State. Will you join me?

Hey Man - Pass that Acid [free Folder] Over!

What is it they say? Even bad press is good press? Earlier this week (on Wednesday evening), Jon Stewart of the Daily Show had a segment that he [ultimately] called, "Want Ads." In it, he discusses a recent job posting for the Grateful Dead archives at the University of California - Santa Cruz. The segment is funny, though Jon Stewart needs some help with pronouncing "archivist." It's a common error. It's ARC-hivist, not ar-KI-vist. He does take a shot or two at the advanced degree that most of us have, not clear on why we need more than a bachelor's degree (of course, there isn't a bachelor's degree in archives that I'm aware of).

The profession (and several of my colleagues) took some offense to Mr. Stewart's comments. OK, people. Let's lighten up. Jon Stewart is a comedian. He makes fun of things for a living. Let's look at it from the perspective that we had a good week and the profile of our profession has been raised. I say, thanks Jon Stewart.

Here's what several of my colleagues had to say on this:

• Derangement and Description
• L'Archivista
• Not a Guybrarian
• Beaver Archivist

I did send an email to Jon Hodgman (who I follow on Twitter), who frequently appears on the Daily Show to give him an opportunity to chide Stewart the next time he was on the show. I had no expectations that he would actually read the email, which read in part:

I know this is a longshot - but as you are someone I follow on Twitter and also appears regularly on the Daily Show, I though I would take a chance that you might actually read this.

You may have heard that on yesterday's Daily Show, Jon did a segment that he [ultimately] called "Want Ads." In the segment, he featured a current job posting for an archivist for the Grateful Dead papers at UC Santa Cruz.

While making sport of the idea of someone "with good organizational skills" and being a lover of the Grateful Dead was not a good combination in a job requirement, which was funny, he (in the eyes of some of my colleagues) continued to mock our profession by saying we need an advanced degree to do what it is that we do.

Stewart also needs some coaching on how to pronounce the title Archivist. It is frequently mispronounced "AR-KI-VIST", when the better (and more accepted pronunciation) is "AR-KIV-IST." The problem is common as archivists work in "AR-KI-VES."

The Twitterati and Facebook have also been alive with discussion about what to do with Jon Stewart. What can I say, we are an emotional bunch.

I thought you might like this opportunity to chide Jon Stewart for stirring the pot of controversy, although I personally found the segment funny and will continue to be a fan of the Daily Show.

Surprisingly, this morning, I received the following:

Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

I am sure that JS meant no harm. But I think your points are valid.

I am not scheduled to be on the show until next month, so I doubt we'll have a chance to revisit it.

But I shall keep it in mind.

Many thanks indeed.

Jh

Watch for yourself and judge the humor. Now if Billy Joel needed an archivist . . . .

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Want Ads - Grateful Dead Archivist
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

On the Moon - Another take

From McSweeney's - what really happened:

July 20, 1969, 10:20 p.m. EDT Interior of Apollo 11 lunar module
Mission Control: Okay Eagle, you're go for the module EVA. We've established visual of the ladder with the external camera. You'll be going out on a live feed so watch your step and keep it clean, gentleman!

Neil Armstrong: (Chuckling) Roger that, Houston. Just mom and apple pie.

Mission Control: Appreciated. You can go when ready. We've all got our fingers crossed on the dust issue.

Armstrong: Come again Houston. The what?

Mission Control: The dust.

Armstrong: What do you mean, the dust? What are you talking about?

Mission Control: Well, apparently there's a chance the dust is pyrophoric and that when you open the door of the module, oxygen will react with the dust and explode.

Armstrong: Oh . . . okay. Wow . . . Was that in the simulations? I don't remember it.

Mission Control: There's been some discussion with some geologists here today − we probably should have done that earlier − but you know how it is.

Armstrong: Mmm . . . . . . .

(90 seconds of silence.)
Armstrong (to Buzz Aldrin): Gee, I feel kind of guilty now, having you be first. But the suit should protect you.

Aldrin: What do you mean? You're going out first.

Armstrong: No, it's you. I talked about this with Gene when you were asleep on the way out here. We wanted to reward you for all your service.

Aldrin: How dumb do you think I am? You did not talk about this with Gene. You're the mission commander. The commander takes the lead on everything.

Armstrong: You're right. I'm commanding you to go out first.

(30 seconds of silence.)
Aldrin: I didn't sign up for this. Let's decide this fairly. Rock, paper, scissors.

Armstrong: No, I've seen your rock, paper, scissors tricks − you always lag behind by a half-second.

Aldrin: We'll flip a coin.

Armstrong: We don't have a coin. And it would take forever to come down. I'll pick a number between one and ten and then you try to guess it. If you're right, I'll go out.

Aldrin: You're giving me a ten percent chance?

Armstrong: That's under Earth gravity. It's different under moon gravity − you have a 50-50 chance.

Aldrin: Okay. . . well . . . I guess seven.

Armstrong:

Aldrin: I got it didn't I?

Armstrong: . . . . . . . No.

Mission Control: Neil, Gene says to suit up and get out there. The meter's running. You know the audio feed is still on don't you?

Aldrin: The commander is commanded! Not to mention a liar.

July 20, 1969, 11:16 p.m. EDT Moon surface
Aldrin: This feels so weird! The powder is slippery. Look (jumping up and down). My shoes are made of flubber. (Lopes around in high bouncing steps.)

Armstrong: Stop it. Is your mike off?

Aldrin: Yes. You realize "man" and "mankind" mean the same thing don't you?

Armstrong: I said, "a man. One small step for a man."

Aldrin: Whatever. I thought you'd be in a better mood after not blowing up. (Begins jogging circles around Armstrong in slow motion.)

Armstrong: You need to quit prancing around. Start gathering dust and rocks. They want all kinds of samples.

Aldrin: Yes, master. (Takes a few steps and then kneels.) What in the hell . . . ?

Armstrong: (Comes over) What do you see?

Aldrin: Doesn't that look like . . . droppings? From an animal?

Armstrong: It does, but that can't be right. (Removes a sensor from his belt and inserts it into one lump.) Well, it's warmer than the dust it's sitting on, which makes no sense. (Probes it with finger of spacesuit.) Feels a lot like . . . dog . . . (gags).

Aldrin: Oh no. Don't throw up in your mask because then I'll throw up.

Armstrong: (Steadies himself with a few deep breaths) Okay. If this thing is organic in any way, they'll want to analyze it. Put it in your sample bag.

Aldrin: I'm not touching that, even through a spacesuit.

Armstrong: Well, use something to scoop it up with. Where's that Nixon plaque?

Aldrin: It's bolted to the ladder back on the thing. What are those . . .? (Points to tracks leading away from pile.) Holy Christ on toast. Let's get out of here.

Armstrong: (Staring) . . . I'm with you. . . . Hang on − the camera's going to be pointing this way when we plant the flag. (Erases tracks with his foot.) Apollo 12 can deal with this.

Mission Control: Neil, your audio signal's been going in and out. Did you find something?

(Both men freeze and stare at one another.)
Armstrong: No, Buzz and I were clowning with you. Did you buy it? (Hits button on helmet.)

Aldrin: So your mike −

Armstrong: Save it.

July 21, 1969, 8:54 p.m. EDT Interior of lunar module
Aldrin: I can't believe you wouldn't do the Iwo Jima thing with me when we planted the flag. When are we ever going to be back here?

Armstrong: I'm not going to act like a 10-year-old. And I saw you do the "hammer throw" when you thought I wasn't looking. If we end up needing that to pound something, you're going out and looking for it.

Aldrin: We won't need it anymore. It's just dead weight. I bet I got more than 500 yards on that toss.

Armstrong: If NASA comes breathing down my neck, you're going to answer for it. It comes out of your paycheck.

Aldrin: Fine, fine, fine. . . . . So . . . about those things we saw. Not a word?

Armstrong: Nobody needs to know.

Aldrin: What about Mike, when we rendezvous? Shouldn't we let him in on it?

Armstrong: No way. He tells his wife everything. It would be on the front page within 12 hours. Now get locked in. When NASA gives the word, I have to push the button with almost no warning.

Aldrin: (Peering out window at moon surface) Goodbye, magnificent desolation . . . Oh my god. Here it −

Armstrong: What?

Aldrin: Push it Push it Push it

The Open Championship

Most people know I like golf. I don't play it very well, but I enjoy every opportunity I get to play. I also enjoy watching golf (I try to make sure that I always watch the Masters and this year I got to watch a fair amount of the U. S. Open). This weekend is the British Open, known simply as The Open Championship. This year it is being played at Turnberry in Scotland. Someday, I will get to the birthplace of golf and waggle my Billy Baroo around St. Andrews (and no that's not dirty).

The U.S. Open was played this year at Bethpage Black, a public course at Bethpage State Park, about ten minutes away from where I grew up. I have not played there - my skill set is nowhere near that level. I even shot over par in an online version of the course.

Shortly after the conclusion of the U.S. Open, I received this humorous list from Ed in Pittsburgh - a far better golfer than I. It's amusing because my sister-in-law's husband and I had this very idea (of writing a book for the duffer golfer rather than a how-to get better book - there's way too many of those). So here's a proposed chapter list for the bad golfing book. Anybody want to contribute some text?

• Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
• Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you Hit a Titleist from the tee
• Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a bunker
• Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank
• Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
• Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
• Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
• Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m
• Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
• Chapter 10 - When Does A Divot become Classified as Sod (or when your wedge can be re-classified as a trenching tool)
• Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
• Chapter 12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
• Chapter 13 - Using Curse words Creatively to Control Ball Flight
• Chapter 14 - When to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
• Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee
• Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
• Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
• Chapter 18 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever
• Chapter 19 - Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique
• Chapter 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
• Chapter 21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 Tip , but will balk at $4.50 at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender

Maybe You Could be Nicer About It?

While I am currently in just a plain aggressive mood lately (stay tuned for a rant against Verizon and DirecTV in the days to come), I found this site recently (courtesy of the Southwest Airlines in flight magazine. Had I only found this when I was looking for the fifth blog to include in my Blog Day post. This blog was profiled in the Southwest Airlines Spirit Magazine (have I already said this has great stuff in it?). Go ahead and visit the site below if (as the magazine proposes), "your coworker keeps stealing your yogurt and you need inspiration."

Passive-Aggressive Notes. You know who you are. You don't like to confront people, but will never miss an opportunity to point out what they did wrong. Most prevalent in the dorm room, the office lounge, and other community spaces, they are often instant classics. The blog features submissions from around the world "spotted in the wild."

Here's a few samples:

"Peter, I'm not too happy with your inability to provide me with some cookies. If we could fix this situation, that'd be great. Thanks, John"

"If you leave the coffee pot low, you fail at life. Please make more coffee!"

"To the fiend who took my Deer Park water out of the freezer on May 30: It was tap. I hope you enjoyed it."

"Ian, If I catch you eating this delicious cereal, I'll kill you in your sleep. Love, Dan"

The Plan for a Plan

I was recently going through my "archives" and found this little nugget in my "humor" files. I thought I would share.

The Plan

In the beginning was the plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

This is how Shit Happens.