It's All About Baseball

In a few days, the World Series will get under way. As most people know, I have always been a Yankee fan. I have borne the scorn of my friends for being a Yankee fan - for, again as you may know, the Yankees are not universally loved. I do not make apologies for the Yankees, they are what they are. I do not approve of everything they do, especially the huge, obnoxious sums of money they throw at players (see the upcoming purchase of Cliff Lee as a perfect example). I am, for the most part, a baseball purist and really want to watch games for the sake of the game. (And don't I know that the preceding sentence is going to get me in trouble.)

Well the Yankees got sent packing - and of course they will be back next year. Congratulations to the Texas Rangers - it is nice to see a team that has never been to the World Series get there - it was hard to root against Nolan Ryan. Ryan is one of those players that played the game for the game. He is why people love this game. But let's remember that guy who used to be part owner of the Rangers. And that they used to be the Washington Senators. And their manager used to be Ted Williams. And . . .

Good luck to the Rangers who will face off against the San Francisco Giants in the Fall Classic. Both Pennant series were great displays of baseball and I hope the World Series will not disappoint.

Baseball has become an industry. It's not a pastime anymore. Owners, agents and "superplayers" have definitely polluted the game. Scandals have rocked the game and money has driven fans away. But I will continue to watch. It's broken, but there isn't an easy fix.

To that end, here is something I spotted on McSweeney's the other day.

After You Hit a Home Run:
A Guide for Major League Baseball Players

by Kate Hahn

1. Point to God.
2. Kiss necklace.
3. Kiss your hands, biceps, and shoulders. Kiss each finger, individually.
4. Begin running.
5. At first base, stop, mount podium your agent has rolled out for you, and make thank you speech.
6. Kiss your own mouth, for making such a beautiful speech.
7. Run slowly, very slowly to second. Raise your hands in the air to make the crowd cheer louder. Fist pump! Monster face! Gorilla gallop! Back flip! (Kidding, you're not in that kind of shape.) It's like you are the only player who has ever hit one out of the park!
8. At second base, call agent on cell and demand endorsement deal with God.
9. Between second and third, tackle opposing team's shortstop and ask him, "Who the man? Who the man?" Dance on his chest, pointing to the sky.
10. At third base, build a small church. Invite select group of international dignitaries to attend your first sermon. Preach about how God will make you rich if you follow the right path, especially if it's an uninterrupted path around a major league baseball diamond.
11. Refuse to cross home plate until you have warmed up for your happy dance.
12. Jump on home plate and do happy dance. This should be a signature move that fans associate only with you, or it can be from Footloose, which everyone loves. Either way, it should include pointing at the sky.
13. Do a chicken-walk toward the dugout, emphasizing a head nod at the catcher. This shows the fans you have a sense of humor about yourself. Plus it subtly reminds them to buy your bobblehead doll.
14. Enter dugout. High five your teammates. One high five is not enough! Allot ten minutes. Refuse to come out of dugout again until your agent has gotten you the endorsement deal with God.