Thursday, October 20, 2011

69 American Patents that we don't need

I should be rich. When my grandfather came to this country, he started a company based in Maine, that extracted carrageenan from seaweed. It is carrageenan that keeps your toothpaste smooth, among many other useful ways. However, at some point, my grandfather sold the company. He does however, hold a patent for the process.

Here's a list of patents that perhaps did not need proceed past the really bad idea that someone had. You can click on the link above to get more information about these "great" ideas.
  1. Rotating Ice-Cream Cone - a nice idea but certainly not practical
  2. Doll Urn - um, ew.
  3. Shoe-Powered Neck Massager - well they do say that bad shoes can make your back hurt.
  4. Hammock Pants
  5. Gerbil Vest - can you use this only with gerbils?
  6. Mouth Exerciser
  7. Dieting Mask - patent held by Hannibal Lecter
  8. Thumbsucking Inhibitor - ditto (it has steel spikes)
  9. Hunting Camouflage
  10. Flying Device - patent held by Wile E. Coyote
  11. The Human Bike
  12. Instant Snowman - for all those kids in the South, "Hey Mom, can I go outside and turn on the snowman again?
  13. Heated Sunglasses - giving new meaning to the phrase, "OW, MY EYES!"
  14. Snake Collar and Leash
  15. Bird Diaper
  16. Burglar Trap Door - patent held by Scooby-Doo
  17. Automatic Tipping Hat
  18. Dimple Producing Device
  19. Combination Grocer's Package, Cheese Grater, Slicer, Mouse and Fly Trap - Hey, I have an idea to "streamline" several chores at once
  20. Sheep Protector - from whom?
  21. Cigarette Ring - classy/
  22. Scalp Cooling Device - yeah, that's called water
  23. Life Saving Apparatus
  24. Bedwetting Assistance Owl
  25. Give Yourself A Pat On The Back - from the producer of the back scratcher
  26. Shark Protection Suit - "You go inside the cage? Cage goes in the water, you go in the water. Shark's in the water. Our shark . . . Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain. For we've received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again."
  27. Gas Powered Pogo Stick
  28. Indoor Surfing Machine
  29. Inverted Mask
  30. Doggy Dust Cover - for the allergic dog
  31. Human Car Wash
  32. TV Controller - invented/patented in 1979, when the remote control was already pretty much firmly in every (male) American hand
  33. Moose Shades
  34. Old Person Scented Doll - what does it smell like?
  35. Anti-Attack Guard For Women - why only for women?
  36. Electric Tissue - "Timmy, stop sticking the electric tissues up your nose"
  37. Giant Soup Bowl
  38. Soap Slide - oh good, another way for my boys to put more water on the bathroom floor
  39. Fart Filter
  40. Horse-Powered Car
  41. The Question-Comma and Exclamation-Comma
  42. Poodle Ear Protectors - protecting them from what, exactly?
  43. Inception Boxer-Briefs
  44. Helium Sun Shade - talking funny and keeping cool at the same time
  45. Dance Helper
  46. Beer Can Hat 2.0
  47. The Cereal Monster - this is not a description of SoBA
  48. Toilet Breather - boy, you'd have to be pretty desperate.
  49. The Useless Forkstick
  50. Stylin' Split Pants - I could see where these might be useful
  51. Toe Puppets - that's just creepy, unless you like that sort of thing
  52. Heated Ice Cream Scoop - yeah, that's called hot water
  53. Killer Bee Protector
  54. Angel Ears
  55. Arm Mitten - to keep one arm from getting more tanned than the other and/or to keep that pitching arm warm
  56. Baby Cage - it's not what you think
  57. Beach Boot
  58. BeerBrella
  59. Bird-Powered Blimp - patented in 1887
  60. Bunny Syringe
  61. Cleavage Pants
  62. Toasty Tent - hey, only you (stupid) can prevent forest fires (the total loss of your campsite and most of the surrounding area)
  63. Deer Ears Hearing Aid
  64. Floating Furniture
  65. Hurricane Safety Bed
  66. Nightmare Gloves
  67. Pantyhose x3
  68. Life Watch - hey look at that, my watch says 3, 2, 1, ze-
  69. Instant Face Lift


Jeanne said...

And don't forget our old music teacher that patented the pooper scooper and the traveling shower that was in a suitcase.

Brave Astronaut said...

Oh my God, how could I forget Mr. Veach!