Friday, June 12, 2015

Vacation Cereal Ahead!

Today was the last day of school for LBA and SoBA.  In August, the Brave Astronaut clan will head north to the wilds of Maine for our first real summer vacation in some time.  A while back, LBA and SoBA asked for some sugary, cereal at the grocery store (yet another reason why I don't like to go to the store with them).  I explained that we tend to eat just a few cereals on a regular basis and that cereals like Cap'n Crunch and Fruit Loops were clearly considered "Vacation Cereal" and not to be consumed except on special occasions.

So, there is certain to be the purchase of a "vacation" pack of small cereal boxes in the near future.

To help with the selection process, BuzzFeed very kindly rated 27 cereals from worst to first. My comments in italics.

27. Grape-Nuts - Post
Cerious talk: What is there to say about Grape-Nuts? You don’t even go into eating Grape-Nuts thinking that it’s a good idea. You know from the get-go that it’s not going to be pretty. I mean you’re basically spooning ROCKS into your mouth. But we all make mistakes, and we’ve all made the mistake of eating Grape-Nuts. Sure it has “100% of your day’s whole grain” and sure grapes are good, and maybe nuts are good, too. But TOGETHER? No. No, Post. This is where we draw the DAMN LINE. You eat Grape-Nuts when you literally have nothing else to eat and even then you STILL regret it.
Never a cereal I would willingly eat

26. Wheaties - General Mills
Cerious talk: Anyone who has ever eaten Wheaties has probably questioned why the HELL this is the food choice of Olympians everywhere. Let’s be honest, Wheaties are wack. They are plain as hell. You might as well eat cardboard for breakfast, it would probably taste the same. And I think we’ve ALL felt the disappointment after eating a box of Wheaties, not suddenly turning into an Olympian, and realizing we just ate cardboard for breakfast.
I am the Brave Astronaut - not the Brave Athlete. I never was into the Wheatie.

25. Raisin Bran - Kellogg's
Cerious talk: Like WHO THE HELL at Kellogg’s thought to take BRAN FLAKES and throw raisins in them? Like TWO WHOLE SCOOPS OF THEM!? The only redeeming quality about this cereal is the fact the raisins are covered in sugar. At least this cereal promotes bowel movements so you can get it out of your body as fast as possible.
Um, I admit to liking Raisin Bran.  So do the boys. We just don't talk about the fact that they're bran flakes - or that I put sugar on the cereal. and use whole milk.

24. Special K - Kellogg's
Cerious talk: Special K is the equivalent of a wet blanket… in your mouth. You eat it thinking it’s going to be great because of all the commercials and then you find yourself thinking, “This is it???!!!!” It’s a major letdown and no amount of freeze-dried strawberries could make up for it. And to make matters WORSE, you’re hungry again in 20 minutes. NO THANKS, SPECIAL K.
Not one I'm interested in either.

23. Rice Krispies - Kellogg's
Cerious talk: Eating Rice Krispies is what we imagine eating air to feel like. It’s nothing. These little rice krisps dissolve in your mouth leaving you with the flavor of sour milk and broken promises. They draw you in with their cute mascots, but that’s about all they have going for them. Honestly, if it wasn’t for the fact that these little babies can be turned into Rice Kripsie treats, they might’ve been dead last.
A popular selection at the Launchpad, this one deserves better.

22. Cheerios - General Mills
Cerious talk: You know what doesn’t taste good? Baby food. You know what babies eat a lot of? Cheerios. Cheerios are the cereal you mundanely eat over and over again hoping that the next handful will somehow taste better than the last. But the problem is that it never does. It never tastes better. It always tastes the same. And it always tastes like a letdown.
Still used daily at the Launchpad in snacks for LBA and SoBA

21. Corn Pops - Kellogg's
Cerious talk: Have you ever been eating an ear of corn and thought, “Wow, I would love some of this with milk.” If you have, maybe Corn Pops is for you. As far as cereals go, this is subpar AT BEST. Little to no flavor, weird texture, and no sense of fulfillment after eating. Basically, it’s not the WORST but it’s certainly not the best.
Corn for me, is savory, breakfast cereal, it's not.

20. Chex - General Mills
Cerious talk: Chex is gluten-free. That’s all it has going for itself. If you’re on that paleo diet, eat this. If you aren’t, UPGRADE YOUR BREAKFAST.
Chex is what you eat when you don't have Life. And it makes a fine snack mix.

19. Trix - General Mills
Cerious talk: Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids with low standards. There’s nothing quite fulfilling about this cereal. You have so many expectations when it pours out into your bowl, but those damn flowers and watermelons (I don’t even know if that’s what those are) are a cerious letdown. You can have ‘em, rabbit.
The lowest on the list of the vacation cereals.

18. Honeycomb - Post
Cerious talk: How true is this statement: “Me want Honeycomb”? Because sure, it seems appealing, but this fluffy comb-shaped cereal falls flat when it hits the milk, just like it does when you put it in your mouth. It’s good if it’s all you have, but you don’t ever want this to be all you have.
I went to C.W. Post University and still am not interested in this cereal.  I'm pretty much a Kellogg's man.

17. Cookie Crisp - General Mills
Cerious talk: Listen. We’re all here for a sugary cereal. BUT SOMETIMES, it can be taken too far. Cookie Crisp is what your mom let you eat when she finally gave up. If you have Coooooookie Crisp for breakfast, you should’ve just eaten an actual damn cookie.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I've eaten cookies for breakfast.

16. Cocoa Pebbles - Post
Cerious talk: Cocoa Pebbles are fine. Like whatever. They get super soggy real quick, and let’s face it, you’re just trying to get to the chocolate milk. If you’re in the market for a chocolate cereal, it’s better to go with Cocoa Puffs.

15. Apple Jacks - Kellogg's
Cerious talk: Apple Jacks is what happened when Cheerios and Cinnamon Toast Crunch had a baby and it came out looking like neither of them. Sure, it has its moments of deliciousness, but overall, the flavor gets boring after a while and the colors are ANYTHING but appetizing.
Eat an apple before the Jacks

14. Quaker Oatmeal Squares - Quaker
Cerious talk: Oatmeal Squares is what happens when your dad starts dating again and his new girlfriend starts infiltrating your cereal cabinet. We get that oatmeal helps reduce cholesterol, but if you have bad cholesterol, you probably shouldn’t be in the cereal game. NEXT.
This has also appeared at the launchpad - we don't mention that it's good for you.

13. Honey Nut Cheerios - General Mills
Cerious talk: Honey Nut Cheerios is the hotter, younger sibling of the Cheerios family. It tastes way better than the cardboard alternative, and it *can* help lower cholesterol. With that said, it’s still a little plain and is a cereal for those who can’t afford another cavity. Bee happy, bee healthy.
We tend to stay with the original - though the multi-grain Cheerios have appeared of late.

12. Honey Bunches of Oats - Post
Cerious talk: Honey Bunches of OHMYGOD why does this taste so good? This cereal is unexpected. We’ve all seen the commercials and thought, “Yeah, they pay those people to say it’s good.” But do they? DO THEY? After eating HBOO, you might not think so anymore. Shit is GOOD. The only way it could be better is if the crispy flakes didn’t get soggy within four minutes. Post, work on this will ya?

11. Fruit Loops - Kellogg's
Cerious talk: This bright ring-shaped cereal is a little on the basic side, but it’s a classic cereal that isn’t going anywhere. It’s the Julia Stiles of cereal: No one has a strong opinion about them, but no one hates them.
Another prime vacation cereal candidate

10. Krave - Kellogg's
Cerious talk: Although this is a newer cereal to enter the breakfast game, it’s one we don’t ever want to be without again. Sure, it has a dog food appearance, but once you put it in your mouth, you’re transported to chocolate euphoria.
I've seen it in the grocery store, I've contemplated buying it, but haven't pulled the trigger, yet.

9. Frosted Flakes - Kellogg's
Cerious talk: Like that anthropomorphic tiger says, this cereal is pretty damn gr-r-reat. Like whoever at Kellogg’s thought to just dip corn flakes into frosted sugar deserves a Nobel Prize. Breakfast game-changer-r-rrr.
The original vacation cereal.

8. Cocoa Puffs - General Mills
Cerious talk: Cocoa Puffs is the supreme chocolate cereal. Its chocolaty puff balls are seriously addicting and when you’re finished, you have a whole FUCKING BOWL of chocolate milk. You know it’s an addicting cereal when you have a crazed bird as your mascot who needs just one more bowl to survive.

7. Lucky Charms - General Mills
Cerious talk: Lucky is pretty damn lucky he added those charms to his cereal, or else it wouldn’t have even made this list. The dried marshmallows are what MAKE the cereal so enjoyable. Let’s just cut to the chase and make the entire cereal ALL marshmallows so we don’t have to manually pick them out ourselves.

6. Cap’N Crunch - Quaker Oats
Cerious talk: If you start your morning off with Cap’n Crunch, you’re doing something right. It’s fuckin tasty and when you add those berries to the mix, you’re going to have the best day of your lif — OH WAIT, NEVER MIND BECAUSE YOUR MOUTH IS NOW FUCKED WITH SCRATCHES. Would’ve been in the top five, but your palate never fails to bleed when you eat this one. Thanks Cap’n.
Possibly the #1 "vacation cereal" for LBA

5. Frosted Mini-Wheats
Cerious talk: Frosted Mini-Wheats is THE cereal you’d wanna settle down and start a family with. It has a sweet side but is also loaded with fiber and whole wheat — BEST OF BOTH CEREAL WORLDS. Oh, and don’t even get me STARTED on the other flavors. Omg.
Another cereal that is part of the regular Launchpad lineup

4. Cinnamon Toast Crunch - General Mills
Cerious talk: It’s the taste and orgasm you can see. This cereal is basically wheat rectangles covered in cinnamon-flavored sugar. If you want more from a cereal, you’re pretty fuckin' ungrateful.
This is in the top five of LBA's Vacation Cereals and it has crossover appeal, it has appeared at the launchpad.

3. Reese’s Puffs - General Mills
Cerious Talk: Not only is Reese’s the best candy like, ever, Reese’s Puffs is just as equally mind-blowing. It’s exactly what you think it is: candy for breakfast. You were the popular kid if you pulled this bad boy out of your cabinet the morning after a sleepover.
Nope.  If I'm going to eat peanut butter cups, I'm eating peanut butter cups.

2. Life - Quaker
Cerious talk: Life is LIFE. Not only does this Quaker dude make BOMB oatmeal, he magically found a way to make such a simple cereal into a tasty DELICACY. Not to mention every flavor of this cereal is the shit.
I'm moved that possibly my most favorite cereal in the world is #2 on this list.

1. Fruity Pebbles - Post
Cerious talk: Of course Fred gets fucking pissed whenever Barney steals his Pebbles. These colored rice flakes are THE BEST it gets when it comes to cereal, not to mention the greenish HEAVENLY milk you get to reward yourself with once you’re done. One cereal to rule them all.

1 comment:

Anna van Schurman said...

Frosted Flakes was always my vacation cereal. But corn flakes was one of my favorite cereals. (When you consider our choices included Kixx and puffed rice--definitely the real bottom of this list--you can see why.) Glad to see the tradition continue!