Thursday, July 30, 2015

Going to be ON Long Island NOT in Long Island

Please note, one is never IN Long Island, you are always ON Long Island. And that big place at the western edge of the Long Island Rail Road, it's just The City.  And everything north of Westchester is Upstate.  The Brave Astronaut is on the road again this weekend - headed to Long Island for my 30th High School Reunion.  Go Braves!

Do you think you understand Long Island? (from ThrillList) (my comments in italics)
  1. You can buy beer anywhere that sells anything, except, quite oddly, at liquor stores (different from my life here in MD).
  2. We didn't all play lacrosse growing up, but we do all own lacrosse shorts. (I didn't and I don't own lacrosse shorts)
  3. Fire Island isn't just full of naked people, it is full of Rocket Fuel, though.
  4. Suffolk County and Nassau County are two very, very different places (Yes.  Yes they are)
  5. Our pizza (especially slice joints) and bagels are consistently better and more plentiful than those in the city. (Bagel Boss this weekend!
  6. And one fine example named Little Vincent's puts cold cheese on top of the not-cold cheese It's very insane, and very perfect. Also there's about three fights a night in that place. (I've never heard of this place)
  7. We all love Billy Joel completely un-ironically, even though he’s crashed his car into the front of most of our houses. (He's playing the Coliseum on Monday - I wonder if he'll show up to the reunion to warm up)
  8. Half of the island had to go into therapy after having their area code changed from 516 to 631 in 1999, many still consider 631 a grave mark of shame. (Their fault for being the lesser county)
  9. North Shore beaches basically suck; South Shore beaches are like real beaches, with sand and waves, and also guys walking up and down with a cooler, shouting, "Fudgie Wudgie bars!!!".
  10. All of those beaches are fantastic for drinking on, even though you’re not supposed to, especially at night. (I've never done that, really.  Truly.)
  11. Speaking of drinking, you're basically legally required to do it on the LIRR and the beer tap setups at Penn are actually totally dope these days, as long as you consider getting a 64oz, 8% ABV beer for $8 "totally dope". (Ah, the late, lamented bar car)
  12. Brooklyn and Queens are both ON LONG ISLAND but in all the ways that matter, they totally aren't. 
  13. Watson and Crick invented goddamn DNA at the Cold Spring Harbor Labs! 
  14. "Stationery stores" don't sell stationery; they sell candy and cap guns and mylar balloons and booby magazines in plastic bags. They have plenty of stationery, they just don't sell any of it. (Oscar's in Plainview - it was a rite of passage to go in there and steal something)
  15. One highway can have 15 different legitimate names and sometimes two at the exact same time -- looking at you, 106/107!
  16. Buying rims that cost more than the entire rest of your car is a totally reasonable thing to do as long as you save money for an exhaust. 
  17. Half and half is not something that goes in your coffee unless you like putting gigantic, delicious, foam-cupped Arnold Palmers in your coffee. (And coffee regular means milk and sugar)
  18. You can’t ever get lost, because if you do, you just keep driving until you hit water and then turn around, just hope you get lost going North-South. 
  19. That pile of stuff on the ground in the parking lot is invariably the innards of a Dutch Masters cigar.
  20. We wear MLB fitted hats backwards and slightly cocked to the side (though I wish we wouldn't)
  21. There’s a wine country, and it’s pretty legit. You'll have to get someone to drive you from vineyard to vineyard, but to get there, take the train and drink on the way to warm up. 
  22. Nothing else in the world is like a Long Island deli, a magical place where you can name literally anything you'd like to see on a sandwich, and it's understood that they will have it When you can get chicken cutlet with American cheese, bacon, and Russian dressing on a hero, it doesn’t really matter that their interiors haven’t been updated since the '60s. 
  23. Buttered rolls Are basically a delicacy. (I used to live on those in college)
  24. If you drive more than a mile in any direction and you haven't passed a 7-Eleven, you are no longer on Long Island.
  25. Jersey is much, much worse. Actually, everyone already did know that one.

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